And here's another


February 2nd 2009

4 months since I was diagnosed.

So today it snowed and I was forced to spend day 5 stuck in my house in Stanmore. The only exciting thing was that more people appeared to be active on facebook, as so many people hadn’t gone in to work.

I had another awkward facebook chat with thIS guy who attempted to ask me out for a drink again whilst enquiring why he hadn’t seen me around for a while. Again I managed to decline the drink telling him I had a very busy schedule. If only he knew I currently had no life at present and whilst talking to him on line was itching my now bald head!

So today I almost went mad. I have been stuck indoors for 5 days, sleeping, trying to find something that I could digest oh and also trying to beat my highest score on Germbusters on the Nintendo DS. The excitement of my life!

I have just had my 5th chemo and side effects were similar to most the other ones. The only difference I felt with this cycle of chemo was that I felt like everyone in my life is now used to the life of JR. Everyone around me now just gets on with their life and will occasionally think, oh JR is having her rough time so I’ll leave her. I feel like I have become “JR the person going through chemo”. My life for the past 4 months has been all about cancer and it feels like it is now all I do. I can imagine when people talk about me, instead of now saying oh I heard that awful news about JR, its now “So is JR still having treatment” and my friends say yes. It just feels like a never ending part of my life.

Everyone around me is getting on with their lives, getting pregnant, having babies, starting a new job, going out getting drunk and losing their phone, and I just sit on my sofa going mad.

I had a moment tonight for a split second, when I looked in the mirror and thought is this really happening. I looked at my tired face, with no hair on my head and was a little shocked for a split second. But this face has now become who I am. I go to bed every night and see it and wake up every morning and see it. Its hard to remember what life was like with my head of hair.

I sit and wonder;

What will life be like when this treatment is over?
Will it come back?
When will I have more surgery?
Will I have trouble having kids?
How easily will I be able to meet someone after this and explain what I’ve been through?
Will my life be better than it was before I had cancer?
Will I have learnt anything?

So there it is. My phone definitely rings less and people don’t tend to ask me how I am as much (which may be a good thing) but I feel a little like people have forgotten about me while they get on with their lives. Maybe I’m just paranoid and am secretly craving the attention which I couldn’t actually cope with when this whole nightmare began!