So its officially been over one year since I have been wearing my wig. In November 2008 I had my hair shaved off. I had just finished my 2nd round of chemo and after blow drying my hair and seeing a whirlwind of brown hair all over my dressing table, I knew it was time to shave it off. I think that I will definitely remember this as one of the most traumatic and depressing events that took place during my cancer experience. I think I went into depression for about 2 days and struggled to get out of bed (which by the way is not like me), but in hindsight I'm sure it was worse for my Mum who had to watch her daughter being forced to deal with a situation that no 27 year old should have to go through.
So while going through treatment and knowing that I was stuck in this nightmare cycle or chemo, my hair was not a major issue. I was more concerned with just generally feeling ill. After finishing chemo in April 2009 and finally finishing radiotherapy in June 2009 I was finally ready to start living my life again. This is when my hair, or lack of it really started to bother me.
Hair is a funny thing. I have had long hair my whole life and I always used to moan that it was too fine, too flat etc etc. Now I would do anything to have my old hair back. Females just dont appreciate how lucky they are to have hair! It makes you feel more feminine, sometimes more sexy and it gives you an excuse to pamper yourself by going to the hairdresser. I have now officially not been to the hairdresser for approximately 17 months. My hairdresser most wonder where I have disappeared to!
So you may be wondereing why after finishing chemo in April 2009 has my hair still not grown back enough so I can get rid of this wig. Well in answer to that, my real hair currently resembles a 90 year olds. You know when you stand behind your grandma and can see her scalp through her nicely set thinning hair. Well thats me, but I'm pleased to say I'm not grey! Its amazing how obsessed you become with hair growth and I'm embarrassed to tell anyone just how many times a week I put a mirror at the back of my head to look for the smallest sign of hair growth.
Everyone says "Be patient", "At least the wig doesn't look that bad" but between me and you that just annoys me even more because, 1. I've been patient for 9 months and number 2. I hate the wig!"
So there it is. This hair business is a nightmare and I now feel sorry for all those men who lose their hair or whose hair is beginning to thin, because I feel your pain!
Sunday 27 December 2009
Thursday 24 December 2009
A year post diagnosis - An email I sent to all my girls
2nd October 2009
Exactly a year ago today I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As you are all fully aware it has been a very long difficult year and although there are a few bits and pieces that I still have to deal with related to breast cancer, I am proud to say that I think I have managed to come out the other side.
I have been trying over the past few months to think of something worthwhile that I could do to commemorate this anniversary in a positive way. So what I’ve decided to do is once a month you lucky people will receive an email from me, and all it will say is CHECK!. Its just a reminder to you all to check your boobs for lumps or bumps as I know we are all guilty of not checking ourselves frequently enough and I hope that what happened to me and my monthly email will give you a bit of a wake up call. You are all welcome to email other friends not on this email to remind them to check themselves too as you may just save their life.
Ironically October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month so I also felt that this would be a good time to start my little email reminder.
Finally thank you again for all your love and support over the past year
Lots of love
JR xx
2nd October 2009
Exactly a year ago today I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As you are all fully aware it has been a very long difficult year and although there are a few bits and pieces that I still have to deal with related to breast cancer, I am proud to say that I think I have managed to come out the other side.
I have been trying over the past few months to think of something worthwhile that I could do to commemorate this anniversary in a positive way. So what I’ve decided to do is once a month you lucky people will receive an email from me, and all it will say is CHECK!. Its just a reminder to you all to check your boobs for lumps or bumps as I know we are all guilty of not checking ourselves frequently enough and I hope that what happened to me and my monthly email will give you a bit of a wake up call. You are all welcome to email other friends not on this email to remind them to check themselves too as you may just save their life.
Ironically October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month so I also felt that this would be a good time to start my little email reminder.
Finally thank you again for all your love and support over the past year
Lots of love
JR xx
Here is a letter I wrote to all those that are close to me to say a huge thank you after I had finished my chemo and radiotherapy;
I received an email from a friend a few weeks ago who was also diagnosed with cancer and the last line of the email really hit home. It was not something that I had thought about before. The author of the email was thanking family and friends for all their love and support since being diagnosed and stated that “this cancer thing really is a team effort”. It actually made me feel quite emotional because as much as I have tried to deal with this nightmare on my own, in the hope of not wanting to upset others and also because I hate being a burden, I have absolutely no doubt that I would not have got through the last 9 months without my close family and friends - and you know who you are.
It has only been over the past month or so that I have stopped being self involved and have begun to really see the effect that my diagnosis has had on people close to me. I am angry and upset that you have all had to go through this horrific experience with me. I have just had to get on with it but you have all had to try and look after me whilst also being upset and angry too.
From the day that you all found out that I had breast cancer you rallied round me and I knew that you would all be my rocks during this tough time and you haven’t disappointed me.
I have tried my hardest to be strong, to just get on with this shitty process and to remain the same Jess that I have always been, but there have definitely been low points which many of you have witnessed. I can honestly say that thanks to all of you (and a little bit of help from my counsellor) I have managed to come through this as the same sarcastic JR, minus a bit of hair!
All I can say is thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love you have shown me whilst I have been going through the most difficult challenge of my life.
I have one parting comment to make. What I have been through over the past 9 months is something that I pray none of you have to go through. In order to prevent any of you from getting breast cancer please please please check you’re boobs for lumps and bumps at least every other week and also check under your arm as it really could save your life. Boys this doesn’t apply to you, but you know where to check!
All my love
JR xxx
I received an email from a friend a few weeks ago who was also diagnosed with cancer and the last line of the email really hit home. It was not something that I had thought about before. The author of the email was thanking family and friends for all their love and support since being diagnosed and stated that “this cancer thing really is a team effort”. It actually made me feel quite emotional because as much as I have tried to deal with this nightmare on my own, in the hope of not wanting to upset others and also because I hate being a burden, I have absolutely no doubt that I would not have got through the last 9 months without my close family and friends - and you know who you are.
It has only been over the past month or so that I have stopped being self involved and have begun to really see the effect that my diagnosis has had on people close to me. I am angry and upset that you have all had to go through this horrific experience with me. I have just had to get on with it but you have all had to try and look after me whilst also being upset and angry too.
From the day that you all found out that I had breast cancer you rallied round me and I knew that you would all be my rocks during this tough time and you haven’t disappointed me.
I have tried my hardest to be strong, to just get on with this shitty process and to remain the same Jess that I have always been, but there have definitely been low points which many of you have witnessed. I can honestly say that thanks to all of you (and a little bit of help from my counsellor) I have managed to come through this as the same sarcastic JR, minus a bit of hair!
All I can say is thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love you have shown me whilst I have been going through the most difficult challenge of my life.
I have one parting comment to make. What I have been through over the past 9 months is something that I pray none of you have to go through. In order to prevent any of you from getting breast cancer please please please check you’re boobs for lumps and bumps at least every other week and also check under your arm as it really could save your life. Boys this doesn’t apply to you, but you know where to check!
All my love
JR xxx
And here's another
February 2nd 2009
4 months since I was diagnosed.
So today it snowed and I was forced to spend day 5 stuck in my house in Stanmore. The only exciting thing was that more people appeared to be active on facebook, as so many people hadn’t gone in to work.
I had another awkward facebook chat with thIS guy who attempted to ask me out for a drink again whilst enquiring why he hadn’t seen me around for a while. Again I managed to decline the drink telling him I had a very busy schedule. If only he knew I currently had no life at present and whilst talking to him on line was itching my now bald head!
So today I almost went mad. I have been stuck indoors for 5 days, sleeping, trying to find something that I could digest oh and also trying to beat my highest score on Germbusters on the Nintendo DS. The excitement of my life!
I have just had my 5th chemo and side effects were similar to most the other ones. The only difference I felt with this cycle of chemo was that I felt like everyone in my life is now used to the life of JR. Everyone around me now just gets on with their life and will occasionally think, oh JR is having her rough time so I’ll leave her. I feel like I have become “JR the person going through chemo”. My life for the past 4 months has been all about cancer and it feels like it is now all I do. I can imagine when people talk about me, instead of now saying oh I heard that awful news about JR, its now “So is JR still having treatment” and my friends say yes. It just feels like a never ending part of my life.
Everyone around me is getting on with their lives, getting pregnant, having babies, starting a new job, going out getting drunk and losing their phone, and I just sit on my sofa going mad.
I had a moment tonight for a split second, when I looked in the mirror and thought is this really happening. I looked at my tired face, with no hair on my head and was a little shocked for a split second. But this face has now become who I am. I go to bed every night and see it and wake up every morning and see it. Its hard to remember what life was like with my head of hair.
I sit and wonder;
What will life be like when this treatment is over?
Will it come back?
When will I have more surgery?
Will I have trouble having kids?
How easily will I be able to meet someone after this and explain what I’ve been through?
Will my life be better than it was before I had cancer?
Will I have learnt anything?
So there it is. My phone definitely rings less and people don’t tend to ask me how I am as much (which may be a good thing) but I feel a little like people have forgotten about me while they get on with their lives. Maybe I’m just paranoid and am secretly craving the attention which I couldn’t actually cope with when this whole nightmare began!
February 2nd 2009
4 months since I was diagnosed.
So today it snowed and I was forced to spend day 5 stuck in my house in Stanmore. The only exciting thing was that more people appeared to be active on facebook, as so many people hadn’t gone in to work.
I had another awkward facebook chat with thIS guy who attempted to ask me out for a drink again whilst enquiring why he hadn’t seen me around for a while. Again I managed to decline the drink telling him I had a very busy schedule. If only he knew I currently had no life at present and whilst talking to him on line was itching my now bald head!
So today I almost went mad. I have been stuck indoors for 5 days, sleeping, trying to find something that I could digest oh and also trying to beat my highest score on Germbusters on the Nintendo DS. The excitement of my life!
I have just had my 5th chemo and side effects were similar to most the other ones. The only difference I felt with this cycle of chemo was that I felt like everyone in my life is now used to the life of JR. Everyone around me now just gets on with their life and will occasionally think, oh JR is having her rough time so I’ll leave her. I feel like I have become “JR the person going through chemo”. My life for the past 4 months has been all about cancer and it feels like it is now all I do. I can imagine when people talk about me, instead of now saying oh I heard that awful news about JR, its now “So is JR still having treatment” and my friends say yes. It just feels like a never ending part of my life.
Everyone around me is getting on with their lives, getting pregnant, having babies, starting a new job, going out getting drunk and losing their phone, and I just sit on my sofa going mad.
I had a moment tonight for a split second, when I looked in the mirror and thought is this really happening. I looked at my tired face, with no hair on my head and was a little shocked for a split second. But this face has now become who I am. I go to bed every night and see it and wake up every morning and see it. Its hard to remember what life was like with my head of hair.
I sit and wonder;
What will life be like when this treatment is over?
Will it come back?
When will I have more surgery?
Will I have trouble having kids?
How easily will I be able to meet someone after this and explain what I’ve been through?
Will my life be better than it was before I had cancer?
Will I have learnt anything?
So there it is. My phone definitely rings less and people don’t tend to ask me how I am as much (which may be a good thing) but I feel a little like people have forgotten about me while they get on with their lives. Maybe I’m just paranoid and am secretly craving the attention which I couldn’t actually cope with when this whole nightmare began!
So in October 2008 I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 28. I have spent the past year occasionally turning on my laptop and ranting about my life so I thought I'd share a few extracts. Enjoy
Thursday 27th November 2008
So a month has gone by since I last wrote anything (don’t think I actually sent my last essay to anyone but anyway), and again a lot has happened. I had a port inserted into my chest on the 4th Nov, started chemo on 5th November, spent a week after chemo feeling rubbish, then got an infected port last weekend and ended up being admitted into hospital so they could give me antibiotics through an IV.
My stay in hospital was what I would call an experience! Firstly I was completely unprepared for an overnight stay as was seen by my oncologist at 6pm and was then sent straight to hospital so all I had on me was what I was wearing, plus a hairbrush and some deodorant in my handbag. Luckily a very special friend surprised me and arrived at my bedside at around 11pm, with some pj’s, and other essentials to get me through the night.
As I was admitted so last minute I firstly had to go into A and E and listen to the splendid noise of drunks throwing up for an hour. Finally by about 10.30pm and was told I was being taken up to the oncology ward, but there was a catch … the only bed available was on a mixed bay. So I thought its just one night, how bad can it be? So my Mum and brother helped escort me up to the 6th floor and I was greeted by a rather large looking male inpatient who was to be my neighbour for the night, who looked at me, gave me the thumbs up and the said “Good luck”! Oh and just to fill you in the other people in my bay were all men, who seemed quite unaware of all the noises that seemed to be consistently coming from every part of their body.
Now to most people including my poor mother who had to leave me for the night, this would be a complete nightmare, but I decided in my head that this was one night of my life and found the whole experience quite comical actually.
So the excitement continues, when the nurse started putting the first lot of antibiotics into my system. About 15 minutes later I notice that my ears were quite hot and then my neck began increasing in temperature, and yes you’ve guessed it I was allergic to the antibiotics. It was nothing a bit of piriton couldn’t cure.
So the next drama …I was then kindly moved at 12.30am into an all female bay. When I initially moved in to this bay the sound of silence was amazing, but that was soon to end, when the lady in the bed diagonally opposite me began whimpering and then talking out loud, saying “Am I dead, Am I dead? Where am I?” This went on for about the next 3 hours when eventually a nurse calmed her down and said “Your in hospital”, although to the patient this may have felt like what her expectation of being dead was like! I must have got about 2 hours sleep that night what with the mad lady opposite me and all the machines beeping around me so all in all I had a great night sleep.
Luckily I was discharged at 1pm the next day with a full bag of medication to keep me occupied.
So the next day 26th Nov was chemo day. All went well and am just waiting for side effects to kick in. Tomorrow I’m going back into hospital, thank god as a day patient, to have this infected port removed so its all fun and games.
Signing off
JR x
Thursday 27th November 2008
So a month has gone by since I last wrote anything (don’t think I actually sent my last essay to anyone but anyway), and again a lot has happened. I had a port inserted into my chest on the 4th Nov, started chemo on 5th November, spent a week after chemo feeling rubbish, then got an infected port last weekend and ended up being admitted into hospital so they could give me antibiotics through an IV.
My stay in hospital was what I would call an experience! Firstly I was completely unprepared for an overnight stay as was seen by my oncologist at 6pm and was then sent straight to hospital so all I had on me was what I was wearing, plus a hairbrush and some deodorant in my handbag. Luckily a very special friend surprised me and arrived at my bedside at around 11pm, with some pj’s, and other essentials to get me through the night.
As I was admitted so last minute I firstly had to go into A and E and listen to the splendid noise of drunks throwing up for an hour. Finally by about 10.30pm and was told I was being taken up to the oncology ward, but there was a catch … the only bed available was on a mixed bay. So I thought its just one night, how bad can it be? So my Mum and brother helped escort me up to the 6th floor and I was greeted by a rather large looking male inpatient who was to be my neighbour for the night, who looked at me, gave me the thumbs up and the said “Good luck”! Oh and just to fill you in the other people in my bay were all men, who seemed quite unaware of all the noises that seemed to be consistently coming from every part of their body.
Now to most people including my poor mother who had to leave me for the night, this would be a complete nightmare, but I decided in my head that this was one night of my life and found the whole experience quite comical actually.
So the excitement continues, when the nurse started putting the first lot of antibiotics into my system. About 15 minutes later I notice that my ears were quite hot and then my neck began increasing in temperature, and yes you’ve guessed it I was allergic to the antibiotics. It was nothing a bit of piriton couldn’t cure.
So the next drama …I was then kindly moved at 12.30am into an all female bay. When I initially moved in to this bay the sound of silence was amazing, but that was soon to end, when the lady in the bed diagonally opposite me began whimpering and then talking out loud, saying “Am I dead, Am I dead? Where am I?” This went on for about the next 3 hours when eventually a nurse calmed her down and said “Your in hospital”, although to the patient this may have felt like what her expectation of being dead was like! I must have got about 2 hours sleep that night what with the mad lady opposite me and all the machines beeping around me so all in all I had a great night sleep.
Luckily I was discharged at 1pm the next day with a full bag of medication to keep me occupied.
So the next day 26th Nov was chemo day. All went well and am just waiting for side effects to kick in. Tomorrow I’m going back into hospital, thank god as a day patient, to have this infected port removed so its all fun and games.
Signing off
JR x
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